To Know and To Love

Famed theologian R.C. Sproul wrote in his book, The Intimate Marriage, that the two most important elements to marriage are those of knowing and loving. A person in a marriage cannot do without either of these elements. If your spouse knows you but doesn't love you, then you will constantly feel exposed and ashamed. If he or she loves you but doesn't know you, then you will constantly feel isolated and cut off except on the superficial realm.

In Tess of the D'urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, this axiom reaches poetic expression. Tess, the heroine, takes upon herself the shame of society's scorn for those who are sexually promiscuous. As the hero, Angel, tries to woo her to himself, he must convince her that any knowledge of her would not affect his love for her. After a prolonged resistance, Tess finally gives in to him and entrusts herself to his love. On their wedding night, she confesses to him her past infidelities, to which he grows cold, forsakes his love of her, and travels far away from her. Her worst nightmare--that the love of her betrothed might be forsaken with a more comprehensive knowledge of her--proved nightmarishly true. Thus the hero proves himself to be a demon; his betrayal ultimately ruining her.

Perhaps this axiom explains why movies like Pretty Woman and Moulin Rouge and even Good Will Hunting prove to be so moving for so many. In each of these stories, love proves unconditional with full knowledge and the mettle of that love proves unbreakable, but by death.

This in part is what makes divorce and estrangement so abominable. In marriage, you promise to love through better or worse 'til death do you part. It is a promise that transcends all social relationships--one that promises a lifetime of security and hope. When one's parents or spouse reneges on that promise, all hope for unconditional love seems lost. The next thing you say or do might be the last thing you say or do to/with the person you love.

People have this inherent yearning for an unconditional love based upon full disclosure because it mirrors the same love they need for present joy and eternal hope. Very few people argue over whether God is all-powerful. If He exists, then He knows us. Thus says David:

Psalm 139:1 For the director of music. Of David. A psalm. O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. 5 You hem me in-- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

God knows each person better than that person knows him or herself. That knowledge proves terrifying to the ordinary human heart, because knowledge necessarily entails exposure of sin and guilt to judgment. If known by God, then accountable to God; if accountable to God, then in need of love from God.

This is why the Christian may rejoice in the intimate knowledge of God of his or her heart:

Psalm 103:1 Of David. Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 2 Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- 3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. 6 The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. 7 He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: 8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. 13 As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him.

God knows His children and He loves them, promising "never will I leave you nor forsake you." As He loves us in Christ, who paid for our sin and placed His perfect life before God on our behalf, He loves us unconditionally. Never need we fear for the love of our God. And that, to use a borrowed cliche, makes all the difference...especially as it pertains to our confidence, love for others, and intimate, unconditional love for our spouses.